to Lucy Miller on her 10th birthday
Lucy girl,
I started this letter like I usually do, on the night before your tenth birthday. I’ve never missed that ritual in your entire life. But that night I was woken up right before midnight with some hard news from a friend and I didn’t sleep a wink and I never finished it. As I’ve come many times to finish this letter, I’ve been struck with the grief of this season of girlhood. You are literally in between it all and it’s so special and it’s also so sad. I know the future holds a lot of lessons for you and I just want to keep you little a little while longer. You still play with dolls sometimes and this Christmas had a renewed belief in Santa Clause, but womanhood is just above the horizon. You’ll probably start your cycle in the next year or two, you’ve become self aware in a way that we all do at that age, you have struggled with girls at school this past year and have wept in my arms about it. Here’s the thing dear girl, just because this age often brings waves of pain and growth doesn’t mean it has to be that way for you. You have a fiery little flame and have learned many life skills already. I’m just holding my breath as you unfurl and so happy to be your mama and witness.
No one in the world has ever been more excited about turning 10 than you. If I could bottle that sparkle in your eyes that happened when you have talked about it for the past year, it would be the purest form of wonder. I love your pure little romantic heart so much.
The day you turned 10 I promised you that you could get your ears pierced. We have planned and talked about it a thousand times and today was the day. You were bouncing with anticipation and your older cousin Rainy has been waiting years so you could do it together…and then when it came your turn I could see absolute panic on your face…and 2 hours later (and a brief chocolate lounge break) we all gave up and went home. I guess we will try again in a few months. It kind of broke me open to see that look on your face and to not be able to do anything to make you realize that you are so brave and that doing hard things is a skill that you need to develop. You were so gutted that you didn’t do it. Your beautiful cheeks were wet the whole ride home and in the photos of you blowing out your candles.
This year you did do the mile run and didn’t come in last. You came in last at the beginning of the year and it haunted you. For a month you were sick just thinking about the mile run coming up. You threw up, you refused to get dressed, you sobbed in my arms…and I just kept nudging you on. And you did it and did it 2 minutes faster than last time. You called from Dad’s house that afternoon and the pride in your voice made me jump up and down with happiness.
This doing hard things thing is relatively new to me-it’s a skill that I was late in developing. So girl you are way ahead of the game. You’re gonna be unstoppable.
Long gone are the cute outfits, the darling pigtails, or the famous squeaky shoes that drew attention from a mile wide…and still people are drawn to you like moths to a flame…because it’s the light inside of you that is mesmerizing and I love that you don’t need any outside affirmation to keep it going.
This year you dove into sign language and it is totally your thing. You have the sweetest teacher and have found something that comes so naturally to you to grow in. I’m excited to see where it takes you! I have a dear friend who is going deaf and doesn’t know any sign so you made her video teaching her how to spell her name and how to say bull shit…which I think you sensed might come in handy in her situation.
You got a new baby cousin this year…baby Piper…and seeing you with her has melted me into a puddle. You’re gonna be one hell of a babysitter!
Big changes happened this year when Jimmy came into our lives. At first you loved him, but quickly realized he was here to stay and sort of pulled back quite a bit. It took a bit of testing for you to realize that me loving him and him loving me didn’t take away from our love. And now you are the biggest Jimmy and mama fan. I find drawings with pictures and words with a million combinations of love and Mama and Jimmy. I see you grinning when he hugs me in the kitchen or slow dances with me. The other day Jimmy and I were working through some hard things and he was holding me and telling me that he was staying and loved me. I saw you watching it all happen and noticed such a steadiness to you after you witnessed that. The fact that you will know what love should look like, that it’s not perfect all the time but it can also be completely magical…that makes me so happy.
Jimmy and I joke about month anniversaries and you found out once that it was our six month dating anniversary 6 months ago and you made me take you to the grocery store to buy an anniversary card for me where you wrote me that you were so happy for me.
You love him. You put notes in his lunch all the time, you snuggle him goodnight, you call to tell him about your day. One of my favorite memories was you woke up hours before the boys on Christmas Eve (when you celebrate Christmas with me) and you snuggled between us and just chattered away for HOURS.
Not going to lie, living with two older brothers is brutal sometimes. You often sigh and say “brothers” like your lot in life is a heavy cross to bear. They are slowly starting to protect you more than tease you. Barclay took you to a high school basketball game recently and you ended up performing on the court with the varsity cheerleaders! You were so high in the clouds about that.
You have a sweet therapist who adores you and has helped you work through quite a bit of anxiety.
One of the highlights of your year was going to the nutcracker with Hadley. Ya’ll were legit tweens with so much sass and unwavering opinions. Aunt Reba and I just couldn’t stop giggling.
We had a little 3 friends over birthday party for you and ya’ll were delighted with the solo cup shot glasses of lemonade and the mattress you jumped on in the yard. You told me it was the best party ever!
Lucy Miller, I love being your mama. I love watching you become. I am cheering you on dear girl. You’re doing awesome! Keep that shining crown.
All my love, Mama
