to barclay on his 15th birthday
Barclay,
This will be the year that I will remember as the year you were always flexing. Ha! You have grown so much and gotten so strong and you’ve also become self aware in a way that’s normal but kind of funny.
You wrapped up middle school this May at a small school where I felt you were in a groove that you couldn’t get out of. High school has been wonderful as you find who you are.
You have always excelled at sports but being at a bigger school pushed you in such a good way. This fall you played soccer (goalie) and were the VARSITY football kicker. The first time I heard them say your name over the loud speaker I wept with joy. It’s really something to see your child do something they love and get better at it. I would make you blush as I screamed often “I made him!” ha! You really, really worked hard and it paid off. Even though I almost lost it going to so many games a week, it thrilled me to watch you play. Just as much as I loved watching you kick a field goal, I loved watching you put your arm around the coach’s son who took a liking to you and looked up to you. You also started going to the gym with me to lift and have taken off way past me-working out with guys twice your age in the early mornings. Goodness you are strong-mentally and physically.
This past year has been a little achey as friends have come and gone and you’ve tried to find your place. You are well liked but I know you want deep friendships. It’s been really, really hard to navigate a phone. As much as you want in real life interactions I’ve realized my restrictions regarding phone usage have left you a little in the dark. I hate it. We are figuring it out. I am so glad I waited so long for you to have a phone. You can have full conversations with adults and have pretty good boundaries as far as being present.
Your first girlfriend relationship ended this summer. It really crushed you even though I think you knew it was time. When you told me your eyes were welled with tears as you denied it hurting. You were a great boyfriend. You were so thoughtful, tender, attentive, and you were even in tune with her cycle and would walk to the Dollar General to buy chocolate with your own money when you knew it was her time.
This year Jimmy came into our lives and I love seeing ya’ll together. You have the same sense of humor and the same tender heart. It’s been interesting and wonderful to see you not have to be “the man of the house”, and also at times a little wobbly. I’m so very glad that you have his daily example. I’m so glad you get a front row seat to the work we put into our relationship, the romance, the tiny things that make a good life.
I’m trying to balance your obsession with lifting and sports with exposure to yoga. You’ve started going to yoga at my studio on Wednesdays and you chatting with the older ladies melts me. Your willingness to go and be the only guy sometimes speaks a lot to your inner confidence.
It has been kind of a hard year financially for me as I have taken some big risks in my businesses. You are the most grateful person and always aware of my desire to get you what you might want but also so forgiving of my limitations. I’ll never forget going to the Nike outlet before high school started. Money was so tight and I knew that you wanted the yellow back pack, it made your eyes light up. But you told me a dozen times you were fine with the simple black one that was half the price and I knew you meant it. I’m bad at math but figured it all up and made it happen (with 56 cents to spare). Your delight and surprise and gratitude that day…I’ll never forget it. You were so kind to me when I found out the FIFA game I got for the used xbox I traded someone for was NINE seasons behind the most current one. In fact, you really leaned into the word retro for that. Thanks haha. For your birthday I got you $40 to dollar general for snacks and you were wild with happiness. You’re so easy to please.
I’m so proud of you. I’m proud of the man you are becoming, the way you are navigating hard things, the way you push yourself, the way you open yourself up to new things. You have a beautiful heart, even if you do pretend to have a tough exterior. You don’t fool me.
Parenting you is simultaneously healing part of my wounds and bringing waves of grief. I truly love that you know I love you even as you make mistakes. I watch in awe as you learn and shift and grow, knowing that when you go into the world you’ll be whole. I have said it so much but I will say it again…you do not ever make me feel like I have to be a perfect mom, and I really am thankful for that.
I love you and that impish grin of yours. I really, truly love spending time with you. You are SO much fun. Excited to see you grow and become. We’ve got this.
Mama
