to barlcay on his 13th birthday

My Barclay,

Today you are 13 years old. Who in the world let me have a baby 13 years ago?! I had no clue what I was doing, and yet here we are alive and mostly well. We both have grown quite a lot.

Oh Barclay, you said something the other day that has resonated in me constantly. I had asked you to behave and said, “ You know I’m having a hard day today, why are you acting like this?” To which you said, “Mom you’ve had a hard day ever since I can remember.”

It is true, my love, I have consistently had hard days for more days of your life than not. I will not apologize though. No, this work I’ve been doing, this not giving up, will pay off one day. I truly believe that dealing with trauma instead of shutting down and not, will be a gift to you. I know it has not been easy for you to have a mama like me, and yet I truly believe that you will be a great, compassionate, empathetic man because of it. And my love, I believe we have many, many fun, light, carefree days ahead of us.

The thing I’ve been fighting for all of your life, came true this year. When it became clear that I would not be able to stay alive in the circumstances at home (I’m speaking of suicide not murder), when I finally saw the distain and rejection clearly, I removed myself from the home I thought we would all grow together in. It was so hard. When I told you, you said, (exhale) “I’ve been waiting my whole life.” and just like that we both felt relieved. I only get you 1/2 the time but I am able to be present and allllllll the suicidal feelings have gone away. You don’t like that I cry a lot, but you do like that the tension in the home is mostly gone. I really struggle with wanting to tell you all the things and make sure you know that I didn’t have a choice. But someone very wise told me to let the truth unfold over the years and that one day (maybe when you are 20, maybe when you are 40), that the truth will be evident.

Moving on to the wonderful things.

You got accepted on the second day of school to a local, free charter school. I was SO relieved that you didn’t have to go to the local public middle school (my brothers went there and I’m still scarred). At your new school you play outside all the time. PLAY. It’s so refreshing. Yes there’s a shocking amount of middle school stuff you deal with but I’m just so thankful you still play. You have lots of friends and are on your second girlfriend of the year (whatever that means!). You love school and can’t wait to go. Even this last snow week you were SO sad to miss your friends. You ran cross country, played flag football, and are now doing frisbee golf. You’re so naturally athletic. I loved cheering for you on the sidelines. At first you were embarrassed at how loud I was and by the end you told me all your friends loved it and you flashed me the biggest smile from the field.

You are very generous and hard working. You mowed a lot of grass this summer and saved up money. One of the most tender moments of the year was when I didn’t have any money to buy pumpkins to carve, and you paid for them out of your work money.

You know, my whole life, no matter what stage you were in, people have commented…”Just you wait. It gets so much worse.” or “At least you don’t have a teenager.” I was expecting this stage to be hell. But another wise mother told me once, “It does not have to be that way. That does not have to be your story. Having teenagers is so fun. “ What a blessing that was. I know we aren’t in the thick of it yet, I know that, but I have to say on your 13th birthday that I adore this stage. I like sleeping all night too. Ha! Speaking of that, I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS thought you would sleep in. But you do! And we are all so grateful!

You are the best kid and yet sometimes we have the most intense fights. Words are said that are piercing and hurtful. But I have to say, even in the worst times, I know that deep down at your core, you feel safe and held…that is everything.

A few more favorite moments this year:

Watching you skip around and trick or treat. Made my heart skip a beat.

Biking the Virginia Creeper Trail in the freezing cold with you. We bonded over what a bad idea it was! Ha!

Watching you (through pictures) at Camp Rockmont for your 4th summer. We barely made it happen but it was so, so, so worth all the sacrifices. You only have so many summers of childhood. You really want to work there when you’re older and it makes me so so happy.

Listening to you helping Lucy read in the back seat on the way to school.

Going to Fawn Lake and jumping in this fall, just us two.

Watching you climb the old oak tree in my childhood neighborhood.

My dear boy, I’m here for the ride. I’m here for the ups and downs that will inevitably come this next year. I searched for days till I found you the perfect compass to give you this evening. I’m writing you a letter that lets you know that I will be your north. You can always depend that I will love you no matter what. I will always open my arms to you, no matter what. I will always believe in you.

You are a gift to me and so many who know you. Keep your playful spirit and keep being kind.

Your mama.