to sullivan on his 11th birthday
Oh the balm of my heart,
Today you are 11 years in this painful world. You are such a gift of gentleness and light to me, to our family, and to this world. It feels like the deepest honor to be your mother.
I usually write my birthday letters the day before the birthday as my way of marking the labor. I couldn’t do it last night though. I gathered your pictures and noticed such a drastic drop in eye sparkle from years prior and wept for hours. Sullivan, I feel like I’ve lost you this year.
The only reason I can move on from that statement is because I have so much hope for the future. Not every year will be this intense. Not every year will bring me to my knees like this one did. I do seek you, I reach for you many times a day, and I try my hardest to convey how irreplaceable you are, but I’m also fighting to be well myself and it’s been a hell of a flight. Dear boy, I am fighting to find you again. I’m fighting so hard.
I will never forget 3 weeks after I left, I was singing at the top of my voice in the car and I glanced over and you were starring at me with the biggest smile on your face. A smile I couldn’t even imagine ever seeing on your face before when everything was dark and hard. You need me to be well. You feel how not right things are in the world. You feel it deeply like I do. You are the reason I have not gotten down on the ground and given up my spirit. You are the reason I got brave and decided to not live my life as a shell of a person that you curled next to in bed to get time with me. I see you watching me open and light up and I know right now this is enough. Every day I’m getting stronger and I imagine this year we have many, many, many days of enjoying the fruits of this impossible work.
On to you and what you’re like at this beautiful age of 11.
You still love all animals. You asked me recently what was the job that made the most money. I told you probably a hedge fund manager (I literally don’t even know if this is correct). You then told me emphatically.
“Well I’m going to go to school for that, work for 10 years, save up, and then take care of animals for the rest of my life.”
You continue your obsession with dragons, you draw them and talk about them constantly. I will look back on this phase fondly.
You have a few sweet friends at your new school. One girl in particular. You get teased by your siblings that she’s your girlfriend but you so gently say, “Boys and girls can be friends. They can be best friends!”
You love fishing and do it ANY chance you get. You almost always catch something.
You got to go to camp and flourished. I received a simple note from you that read, “Camp is awesome. Everyone loves me!” Oh my heart.
I think one of my most precious memories of you was watching you curl into the sand to watch the moon rise, happy as a clam to be out in nature and quiet and peaceful.
You, precious one, are going to be a mighty man. I am so proud of you. I love you so deeply and I am looking forward to a lifetime of loving you. Us deep feelers have to stick together!
Keep being your precious self, it’s enough.
Your mama
