caroline's story | the birth of eleanor jane

** Trigger Warning. 

This is a story of loss and contains pictures. **

Let me tell you a story.  A story about redemption and pain, sorrow and joy, death and life.  

A little over two years ago, I was sitting at my desk finishing up some editing around 11 pm.  My phone rang with a number I didn't recognize and I usually just ignore those calls.  That night I answered.  It was the mother of a girl I had never met, but who I knew through social media for years.  I almost photographed her wedding but I was late into a pregnancy.  I almost was her doula but I had already booked another birth.  Somehow we had never met, but yet we knew each other.  I automatically thought she was calling for some birth advice because I knew Caroline was to deliver any day.  Instead I heard the words "Emma didn't make it.  We don't know what happened.  Can you please come?"  So I drove in the wee morning, 3 hours to meet this soul sister and photograph her first born girl who never took a breath in this world.

I don't know how that night could be beautiful, but it was.  I walked into the room and it was dimly lit with candles.  Essential oils and soft praise music was filling the room and that beautiful new mama was snuggling her baby girl just like every mama does.  At the end of the pictures everyone in the room surrounded Emma and sang "It is well".  I will never forget the rawness of that moment as grandparents and friends and mama strained out those words with tears falling down their cheeks.  I will never forget.  

For the next 1 year and 11 months I watched Caroline mother with empty arms.  And oh what a mother she is!  

In July, I had the incredible honor of being present for Emma's sister's birth as a doula and photographer.  Not only was this a birth after loss, it was a VBAC. It was hard to think about the details of the birth because the ONLY goal was to have a healthy baby.  Induced early because the cause of Emma's death at 41 weeks 1 day was unknown, this birth story started with a lot of fear, labor triggered all of the trauma of Emma's death.   

It seemed like all the odds were stacked against Caroline having the natural birth she dreamed of with Emma, but every step of this birth story was held.  Held by a caring Father who knows the pain of loosing a child.  Throughout the day and night Caroline was a mighty force as she labored naturally.  Josh transformed before my eyes through the labor as he supported Caroline every. single. step.  Friends and family who had walked the road of trauma and loss waited and watched and carried them.  The birth room was a space of saftey and warmth. 

In the end, not only did Caroline deliver her healthy, crying, full of life baby girl but she had a beautiful, natural VBAC.

That night I watched sorrow mix with joy.  Sorrow because of all of the things they missed with Emma and joy because this precious child was safely in their arms.

It's not been easy, this life after death.  Sorrow is not wiped away forever and there will always be an aching for Emma.  But the miracle of birth and life is something to gasp about; to throw our hands in the air and dance about.  Welcome to the world Eleanor Jane!  I cannot wait to watch you grow.      

leah's story | the birth of roan oliver

This birth was such a blessing to me.  I loved being Leah and J's doula but I found so much that I was able to step back quite a bit and watch J support Leah so tenderly.  Leah is an incredible athlete and is always running or biking.  Labor was quite a challenge because the first 9 cm went really fast, but the last bit of labor was much longer and she had SO much back labor.  As mentally strong as she has to be to be such an athlete, labor took every ounce of that and truly sometimes it wasn't enough.   It was like watching a dance, every time she lost belief in herself, J stepped right in with words and physical support.  And so contraction by contraction she made it through.  

It was brutal to watch her do everything right but to still be stuck at 9.  We kept telling her it was almost over and that didn't turn out to be true.  I think it would be like moving the finish line several times at the end of a marathon.  

After a while her awesome nurse gently coached her to start pushing gently even though she wasn't complete yet and baby boy was born not much after.  

The gender was a surprise and it was so special to watch baby Roan Oliver be born and for his parents to meet him.  

Thank you J and Leah for letting me be part of this sweet experience and for letting me share your beautiful photographs.

sarah's story | the birth of birch

It's been a while since I've posted a birth story and I am so glad to share this one today with you all.

Every single birth I get to attend is near and dear to my heart, but this one was extra special.  I've been friends with Sarah and Matt since before they were married.  I photographed their engagement, their wedding and attended the birth of their second baby girl.  I was all set to photograph their third baby in May of 2015 when literally the day after we talked contract details, I got a horrible email that the baby's heart had stopped beating half way through the pregnancy.  The Rideouts are missionaries in Haiti and things are complicated there, health-wise.  So Sarah and Matt and their girls hopped on the first plane out to deliver their baby here in the states.  I met them the night before being induced and was able to laugh and cry with them and photograph her beautiful belly.

The next day I was their doula as they brought their tiny son Obed into the world.  Sarah is as mentally strong as they come and I've watched her rock natural birth.  I will never forget the look in her eyes as she looked at me during Obed's labor...she said "The sadness is too much, I have no strength."  

Fast forward nearly exactly a year and I was able to celebrate and attend the birth of their second son Birch.  What a happy occasion!  There was such gratefulness in the air that day as we heard that heart beat, steady and strong.  The gender was a surprise and so anticipation was building as well.  Sarah rocked out a natural labor and was able to catch Birch right there on the hospital floor (with Dr Spearman's back up hands nearby:-).  Her birth was attended by her Mama-lactation consultant extraordinaire and her dear friend Laura.  Sarah's sister arrived just minutes after birth!    

Sarah and Matt, I feel like part of your family and I feel so honored to have been witness to these moments in your lives.  

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

-Psalm 30:5  

*and just one silly sidenote I'd love to clarify.  Matt is wearing a shirt from the summer camp he worked at for years, it isn't in reference to real world domination of any kind:-)

**also thanks to Matt for one of the only pictures I have of me in action at a birth :-)