to barclay on his seventh birthday

oh my boy,

Seven years ago you were placed into my arms and I became a mama.  You are a gift.

I will not lie, this past year has been hard, hard, hard.  I have felt like I have failed you time and again.  You came out of the womb different than any child I have ever known and it is that something inside of you that we can't quite figure out that causes a lot of heartache as we try to love and parent you.  

Even though you are incredibly complex and hard to figure out, you are such a teacher.  You teach me more about myself and about the world than I could ever learn on my own.    

You have a spark inside of you that is special.  Not an "I'm your mama so I have to say that special" but truly something unique and needed.  I just can't even begin to imagine how you will change the world.    

When you want to be, you are the most delightful thing I could ever imagine having the pleasure of being with.  You're curious and confident and darling.  The same button nose that I kissed countless times as a newborn is now covered in freckles and wrinkles in the cutest way possible.  

You love your brother Sullivan so hard.  You also beat him up and wrestle nearly every second of the day.  This relationship is much of the heartache I feel, but I catch so many glimpses of brotherhood and camaraderie, I have much hope.  

Most of the time you are such a protector of your sister.  I often find you with your arms encircled around her neck to shield her from harm.  You "taught her how to walk"- you had "training sessions" and were completely patient and loving with her.

You are such a little casinova.  I constantly find love letters to girls at your school in your notebooks, backpack and scattered around the house.  A lot of these girls are a few grades ahead of you!  The way you talk about the girls you "love" is hilarious!  You get all dreamy and talk about their flowing hair or their sparkling eyes.  

You are not the bravest or the strongest or the fastest, but you do not give up.  

I will never forget watching you by the river as you timidly stayed on the safe ground and watched your younger brother leap and bound over a log that had fallen.  I felt a pang of sadness for you and thought maybe that you must feel so jealous, but instead you cupped your hands around your mouth and yelled out, "Sullivan the fearless!"    

You made a best friend this year in Gabe.  You and Gabe make up the silliest stories that I think sometimes you think are actually true.  One of them being that you hand cut and built a log cabin on the school playground.  Gabe brought a finger chainsaw from home to make it happen.  ha!

You speak fluent spanish and read and write in it thanks to your 2 year of spanish immersion public school.  You love to learn, I am so thankful.  

You went through a period this summer and fall where you had roller skates on your feet every second that you were home.  You are serious when you love something (something I think you got from me).

You have a sense of adventure that is contagious.  You can see adventure in everything and I know people will be drawn to you because of it.  

Even though I fail you over and over, and you fail me over and over, every time I reach out my hand, you fill it with yours.  

Thank you for your patience my boy.  I pray you will grow to be an incredible man despite my weaknesses and faults.  And I pray you will always know my love is so deep, the bottom cannot be found. 

With love, 

Your Mama

To Lucy Miller on her 2nd Birthday

Oh my beautiful, darling girl, it is your second birthday today.  I am so grateful that my heart can celebrate instead of mourn because I have enjoyed every freaking second so far.  I constantly chose you over all the little things that don't actually matter and because of that, my heart is bursting with memories and thousands of hours of just staring at you and kissing you.  

Very few things are as good as I hope they would be...but you, my sunshine girl, you are beyond what I ever dreamed of.  Truly.  Your life has been a pure and simple gift.   

You are funny!  I noticed even before you could talk that you were playing little jokes on me.  You love a good laugh.

You are tiny!  Still wearing a lot of 12 month clothes but you are mighty and brave!  You also didn't walk till 16 months and don't talk nearly as much as the boys did.  I'm kind of happy about that.  You're still so babyish.  

You love your pack pack (back pack) and want to wear one around the house at all times.

I love how you enthusiastically say yyyyyyaaaasssshhhhhhh for yes after everything I ask you.  

You are not hesitant to get out there and do!  You will jump in a puddle or swim in a river.  You're my fearless girl.

You are the gentlest nurturer.  You spend hours putting beebees night night.  Rocking and singing to them, kissing them, nursing them.  I'm in HEAVEN watching you.

You still nurse several times a day.  Can't vouch you're getting much but I adore it, and I'm just so grateful you're still wanting that sweet time with me.

You trot around town like you own the world and are constantly wanting to know where your men folk are.  You adore you boys and your daddy.  A regular occurrence is you, running ahead and then stopping to cup your hands over your mouth only to yell out "boooooooooooysh!"  

You are a little performer and just adore people delighting in you.  You rarely get mad but when someone isn't noticing how adorable you're being, you like to let them know.  Ha!

When you run, you lift your little arms high up so your shoulders are shrugged and wiggle back and forth like a waddling duck.  You always look like a busy body trying to do something important.

You always run to me and when I catch you up in my arms you loop your arms around my neck and sqeeze with all your might with your cheek pressing into mine.  

You love the water just like the others and can go under and paddle already.  A little fish. 

You love noodles and TV.  You call them both noooonules

You love ssssssooooooooozzzz (shoes)

Your eyes sparkle like water on a sunny day and your smile makes everyone feel like they are special.

Being your mama is just the greatest.  Thank you for the beautiful lessons you've already taught me.  

With all my love, 

Your mama

to my sullivan love on his fourth birthday

Oh my funny valentine... You are (sigh)...You are like the warmest sweet breeze on my cold heart.

You are the absolute picture of tenderness.

View More: http://wildflowersphotos.pass.us/george

George Family-George Family faves-0144

View More: http://wildflowersphotos.pass.us/george

Your heart spills out love on all around you.

Pictures above by Joy Prouty

Pretty much every single time I tell someone about you, I tear up.  Because you, my dear, you nearly weren't with us.

I don't look back on your birthwith fuzzy feelings but instead feel a panic in my heart as I remember when they took your limp body to the side to get you to breathe.  I don't remember much until early the next morning when I was finally mentally able to get it together to hold you and nurse you and look at you.

And then we fell in love...

Following 2 pictures by Joy Prouty

View More: http://wildflowersphotos.pass.us/george

View More: http://wildflowersphotos.pass.us/george

10922482_621144070981_5182397958426786812_n

You were born after the hardest year of our lives.  Deaths and miscarriage and illness and just pure sadness.  And you were our breath of warm air and as I often refer to you, the balm of my broken heart.

You are my snuggler and every single day, you need it...just like I do.

Waking up to, "Oh mama, you're so warm (pronounced waaaa-ymmmmm).  Let's snuggle" is kind of the best.

10678823_608863047251_4882989297089288065_n

This year, you wore you bike helmet everywhere and I just ate it up.

10457531_622443516881_4653229399125616298_n

10857831_617036362861_8695210370698463321_n

You dote on your big brother to a fault.  I honestly can't believe how willing you are to share and give to him when he is so mean to you sometimes!  But you are.  You regularly give your very best "things" to him.  

You are FUNNY.  Like naturally hilarious and you don't even try.

10906020_620731757261_9110444501490360499_n

I've love love loved seeing you be a big brother to LM this year.  Barclay is in school most of the day and you are really stepping up to the plate.  You are so gentle with her and have actually started playing with her.  It melts my heart!

10917886_621611504241_2270062320681663499_n

10920927_621566229971_8338190947502187489_n

Your favorite activity IN THE WORLD is to light and relight a candle to blow out.  

Your best buddy is Jude and ya'll just crack me up together.  You pretty much never fight.

Actually come to think of it, you pretty much never fight with anyone (other than Barclay).

10987380_623539410701_7544881515138414021_n

You're a lover.  A valentine in the flesh.    

You are painfully handsome and your big brown eyes are like bottomless inkwells.  And you can basically get away with anything if you slow blink your thick lashes at me.

10526124_614839709971_1780590993311007975_n

10683440_609679840391_4142314245707519455_o

10923300_621645625861_7769770315450329274_n

10455061_613719070741_3294758188192928212_n

1898237_622024591411_4667637833735589063_n

Your new thing this year is helping me cook.  You are very helpful with anything I ask you for and I think you'll make someone a pretty rad husband one day!

1450774_610274872941_6677308546258532399_n

10897750_620683474021_8560480196183566737_n

Sullivan, your heart is one of the most beautiful hearts.  You allow me to feel things with you,emotionally, that my other babies don't.  You have that deep, slow passion inside of you like I do.  I think you are a work of art and I cannot wait to see you grow this next year.

Thank you for never denying me a tender hug or ever letting me go a day without hearing your contagious giggle.

I'm so glad I'm your mama.