to barclay on your 8th birthday

My first born baby,

Today you are 8.  This year has been one of the most stretching years of our lives and I have seen you rise to the occasion and grow so courageously.  

This is the year I finally broke down and let you cut your beautiful long hair, after years of you asking.  I was so sure my baby would go away with the locks.  As the locks fell to the floor your beautiful, handsome brilliant face shone through, and you were still there.  

This year you became the neatest person in the house.  Your room is always immaculate and you love being up there in your space.

You've played several sports this year and you are focused and intense as you play.  For such a goofball most of the time, sports are not the time you act out.

Daddy and Emi and I took you as a surprise to New York City this summer.  It was your dream.  Being with you those few days and seeing all the wonders of the city in your eyes was such a gift.  You would walk miles and miles with no complaining and once we were up till almost midnight.  It was FUN.  You weren't in our way or burdensome, you were FUN!  It gave me a glimpse of a lifetime of the fun we will have with you.  

This summer we also took you to have your brain scanned at the Amen Clinics.  Ever since you've been here in this world I've sensed struggles you have and it was wonderful to get clarity on how to come along side you and help you thrive.  You have severe ADHD and ODD.  We are learning all we can and finding all sorts of ways to make life easier for you.  There are also signs that I have passed on my disorder onto you.  I promise you, I will work all my life and keep fighting so that you can have your best shot.  Through it all, you have been so gentle and precious.  I'm so glad I got a peek deep inside into the inner workings.  

You love writing.  I find handwritten letters to dozens of friends and family members all over our house.  It's really hard for you to keep friends, because you're so intense, but your ability to love is just captivating.  Anyone is lucky to be your friend, in my eyes.

I love your freckles, I love your sparkly eyes.  I love your smirk.  I love the way you bend down and gently wrap your arms around your sister. I love the way you belly laugh.  I love when your small arms wrap around my neck when I bend down to give you a kiss at bedtime.  

Despite our magnetic pull and push, I know you love me and I sure hope you know I love you.  

I ache for you to know my love.  How could you ,though, when I can't even put it into words?  I love you so deep and so pure that I'm positive it would blind you if you could see it.  

Being your mama is my greatest honor.  Thank you for being patient with me as I stumble and fall.

I am so proud of you.  So very, very proud of you.

Happy birthday my love.

Mama

to lucy miller on her 3rd birthday. . .

My Darling,

The snow is heavy outside as I write this, just like the day I went into labor with you-the coldest day in decades.  It was so cold but you brought and continue to bring the greatest warmth to anyone who knows you.

I can't believe it has only been 3 years with you, I feel like you've been with me almost my whole life.  This year brought all kinds of beautiful growth for you.  You now have very strong opinions about what you wear.  You will only wear et-it-go dwessess (let it go dresses)...this means they must have a spin factor for you to even consider them.  You are known for your squeaky shoes and we all know when you are near.  This summer Sullivan started school and it's been just us girls till school lets out.  You go to preschool 5 mornings a week.  I thought it would be sad to see you go every morning but when you excitedly run (squeak squeak squeak) with your little backpack in to play with your fwends, I just can't stop smiling.

One of my favorite things you say is " I'm not yedy" (I'm not ready).  

You love your babies and are a devoted little mama.  You've always got a babe on the breast. Speaking of, we nearly made it to 3 with our sweet nursing relationship.  You still ask to nurse every day but when I say my muyk muyks are broken you happily go on your way.

You potty trained for a brief summer and then on our road trip out west we got lazy...so you're still in diapers.  You recently left your crib for a big girl bed and you are so so proud.

Your smile.  Lucy Miller, your smile is pure magic.  It's not even just your smile but the smile in your sparkly squinted eyes that fills my heart right up like a cup that overflows.  Anyone who knew me in high school/college can tell you how strong my desire to have an asian baby was. You are pretty darn close:-)  In fact, when we were in Banff, Canada, you were constantly swarmed with asian tourist who wanted a picture of you and a picture with you!  It was the funniest thing!  

You are kind and sweet and at the appropriate times you are a force.  I will in one 5 minute period see you twirling sweetly and then suddenly you're playing war with your brothers.  Speaking of, you love them and talk about them constantly.    

You delight me.  You delight me.  You delight me.  I can't say this enough.  Every part of you just delights my soul.  Your life is a gift that gives and gives and gives.  I can't wait to grow old watching you blossom into the beautiful force you are.  

Happy 3rd Birthday my girl.  I can't believe I get to be your Mama.

to my sullivan on his fifth birthday

oh my sweet valentine,

You are so full of love, I always smile just thinking about you being born on Valentine's Day-your mama's least favorite holiday and bringing all the love into my heart.  

You are so sweet.  Sometimes I can't even think of other things to say about you because you are, SO sweet.  

You have the sweetest softest voice ever and I can just drift off into lala land as you chat away to me about everything.  BUT for some reason your only other voice YELLING!  You crack me up with how you can go from one to the other with zero middle ground.

You love touch.  You crawl in bed with me in the wee morning hours about 4 times a week and you just curl up to me and weave your fingers through my hair.  I'm so happy you are always up for me to rub your back or stroke your hair.  

You love your brother so much.  Practically worship the ground he walks on...even though you get beat up quite a bit.  No matter what he does to you, you are always ALWAYS thinking of him and wanting to show him you are his biggest fan.

You love your sister so tenderly.  Even though there is 3 years between you, you PLAY with her and you both have your silly games you play every day when Barclay is at school (aka pushing each other face first onto our mattress and laughing your head off).     

You love following me around and helping me.  We cook together, clean together and just generally have a sweet time doing life together.  You start kindergarten in the summer and although I KNOW you will love it, I will miss having our special time.  

You are an artist.  You spend HOURS a day drawing and coloring.  Our summer babysitter Sylvia would sit for hours and hours drawing out all your hearts desires and then you would cut them out.  

You're simple and I'm so thankful.  I never feel like I have to figure you out.  You're steady and peaceful........UNLESS you are hungry!  Or should I say, hANGRY.  

You loose your ever living mind when you haven't consumed a ridiculous amount of food in the past 2 hours.  You loose the ability to speak english or walk.  It is quite something.  We share this hANGRY thing and I often laugh (after the fact) at how you act out the way I feel sometimes.  

You are quiet and unassuming but you are incredible at physical things.  

This fall we were in the YMCA pool and Barclay wanted to pass the hard and long swim test...you decided you wanted to try at 4 years old and I told you that you were too little.  Your daddy was quick to swoop in and negate my confining words and goodness if you didn't just pass the test but you did it twice as fast as Barclay did it!  

I say it every single year but I it rings so true to me.  Sullivan, you are the very best balm to my heart.  You make me feel like I am the most beautiful and wonderful mama in the world.  You are such a treasure to our family.  Your hearty laugh, deep brown eyes and your smile which melts even the coldest of hearts is such a gift every single day.  

With so much love I feel I could burst,

Your Mama