to my sullivan on his fifth birthday

oh my sweet valentine,

You are so full of love, I always smile just thinking about you being born on Valentine's Day-your mama's least favorite holiday and bringing all the love into my heart.  

You are so sweet.  Sometimes I can't even think of other things to say about you because you are, SO sweet.  

You have the sweetest softest voice ever and I can just drift off into lala land as you chat away to me about everything.  BUT for some reason your only other voice YELLING!  You crack me up with how you can go from one to the other with zero middle ground.

You love touch.  You crawl in bed with me in the wee morning hours about 4 times a week and you just curl up to me and weave your fingers through my hair.  I'm so happy you are always up for me to rub your back or stroke your hair.  

You love your brother so much.  Practically worship the ground he walks on...even though you get beat up quite a bit.  No matter what he does to you, you are always ALWAYS thinking of him and wanting to show him you are his biggest fan.

You love your sister so tenderly.  Even though there is 3 years between you, you PLAY with her and you both have your silly games you play every day when Barclay is at school (aka pushing each other face first onto our mattress and laughing your head off).     

You love following me around and helping me.  We cook together, clean together and just generally have a sweet time doing life together.  You start kindergarten in the summer and although I KNOW you will love it, I will miss having our special time.  

You are an artist.  You spend HOURS a day drawing and coloring.  Our summer babysitter Sylvia would sit for hours and hours drawing out all your hearts desires and then you would cut them out.  

You're simple and I'm so thankful.  I never feel like I have to figure you out.  You're steady and peaceful........UNLESS you are hungry!  Or should I say, hANGRY.  

You loose your ever living mind when you haven't consumed a ridiculous amount of food in the past 2 hours.  You loose the ability to speak english or walk.  It is quite something.  We share this hANGRY thing and I often laugh (after the fact) at how you act out the way I feel sometimes.  

You are quiet and unassuming but you are incredible at physical things.  

This fall we were in the YMCA pool and Barclay wanted to pass the hard and long swim test...you decided you wanted to try at 4 years old and I told you that you were too little.  Your daddy was quick to swoop in and negate my confining words and goodness if you didn't just pass the test but you did it twice as fast as Barclay did it!  

I say it every single year but I it rings so true to me.  Sullivan, you are the very best balm to my heart.  You make me feel like I am the most beautiful and wonderful mama in the world.  You are such a treasure to our family.  Your hearty laugh, deep brown eyes and your smile which melts even the coldest of hearts is such a gift every single day.  

With so much love I feel I could burst,

Your Mama 

to barclay on his seventh birthday

oh my boy,

Seven years ago you were placed into my arms and I became a mama.  You are a gift.

I will not lie, this past year has been hard, hard, hard.  I have felt like I have failed you time and again.  You came out of the womb different than any child I have ever known and it is that something inside of you that we can't quite figure out that causes a lot of heartache as we try to love and parent you.  

Even though you are incredibly complex and hard to figure out, you are such a teacher.  You teach me more about myself and about the world than I could ever learn on my own.    

You have a spark inside of you that is special.  Not an "I'm your mama so I have to say that special" but truly something unique and needed.  I just can't even begin to imagine how you will change the world.    

When you want to be, you are the most delightful thing I could ever imagine having the pleasure of being with.  You're curious and confident and darling.  The same button nose that I kissed countless times as a newborn is now covered in freckles and wrinkles in the cutest way possible.  

You love your brother Sullivan so hard.  You also beat him up and wrestle nearly every second of the day.  This relationship is much of the heartache I feel, but I catch so many glimpses of brotherhood and camaraderie, I have much hope.  

Most of the time you are such a protector of your sister.  I often find you with your arms encircled around her neck to shield her from harm.  You "taught her how to walk"- you had "training sessions" and were completely patient and loving with her.

You are such a little casinova.  I constantly find love letters to girls at your school in your notebooks, backpack and scattered around the house.  A lot of these girls are a few grades ahead of you!  The way you talk about the girls you "love" is hilarious!  You get all dreamy and talk about their flowing hair or their sparkling eyes.  

You are not the bravest or the strongest or the fastest, but you do not give up.  

I will never forget watching you by the river as you timidly stayed on the safe ground and watched your younger brother leap and bound over a log that had fallen.  I felt a pang of sadness for you and thought maybe that you must feel so jealous, but instead you cupped your hands around your mouth and yelled out, "Sullivan the fearless!"    

You made a best friend this year in Gabe.  You and Gabe make up the silliest stories that I think sometimes you think are actually true.  One of them being that you hand cut and built a log cabin on the school playground.  Gabe brought a finger chainsaw from home to make it happen.  ha!

You speak fluent spanish and read and write in it thanks to your 2 year of spanish immersion public school.  You love to learn, I am so thankful.  

You went through a period this summer and fall where you had roller skates on your feet every second that you were home.  You are serious when you love something (something I think you got from me).

You have a sense of adventure that is contagious.  You can see adventure in everything and I know people will be drawn to you because of it.  

Even though I fail you over and over, and you fail me over and over, every time I reach out my hand, you fill it with yours.  

Thank you for your patience my boy.  I pray you will grow to be an incredible man despite my weaknesses and faults.  And I pray you will always know my love is so deep, the bottom cannot be found. 

With love, 

Your Mama

To Lucy Miller on her 2nd Birthday

Oh my beautiful, darling girl, it is your second birthday today.  I am so grateful that my heart can celebrate instead of mourn because I have enjoyed every freaking second so far.  I constantly chose you over all the little things that don't actually matter and because of that, my heart is bursting with memories and thousands of hours of just staring at you and kissing you.  

Very few things are as good as I hope they would be...but you, my sunshine girl, you are beyond what I ever dreamed of.  Truly.  Your life has been a pure and simple gift.   

You are funny!  I noticed even before you could talk that you were playing little jokes on me.  You love a good laugh.

You are tiny!  Still wearing a lot of 12 month clothes but you are mighty and brave!  You also didn't walk till 16 months and don't talk nearly as much as the boys did.  I'm kind of happy about that.  You're still so babyish.  

You love your pack pack (back pack) and want to wear one around the house at all times.

I love how you enthusiastically say yyyyyyaaaasssshhhhhhh for yes after everything I ask you.  

You are not hesitant to get out there and do!  You will jump in a puddle or swim in a river.  You're my fearless girl.

You are the gentlest nurturer.  You spend hours putting beebees night night.  Rocking and singing to them, kissing them, nursing them.  I'm in HEAVEN watching you.

You still nurse several times a day.  Can't vouch you're getting much but I adore it, and I'm just so grateful you're still wanting that sweet time with me.

You trot around town like you own the world and are constantly wanting to know where your men folk are.  You adore you boys and your daddy.  A regular occurrence is you, running ahead and then stopping to cup your hands over your mouth only to yell out "boooooooooooysh!"  

You are a little performer and just adore people delighting in you.  You rarely get mad but when someone isn't noticing how adorable you're being, you like to let them know.  Ha!

When you run, you lift your little arms high up so your shoulders are shrugged and wiggle back and forth like a waddling duck.  You always look like a busy body trying to do something important.

You always run to me and when I catch you up in my arms you loop your arms around my neck and sqeeze with all your might with your cheek pressing into mine.  

You love the water just like the others and can go under and paddle already.  A little fish. 

You love noodles and TV.  You call them both noooonules

You love ssssssooooooooozzzz (shoes)

Your eyes sparkle like water on a sunny day and your smile makes everyone feel like they are special.

Being your mama is just the greatest.  Thank you for the beautiful lessons you've already taught me.  

With all my love, 

Your mama