to lucy miller on her 3rd birthday. . .

My Darling,

The snow is heavy outside as I write this, just like the day I went into labor with you-the coldest day in decades.  It was so cold but you brought and continue to bring the greatest warmth to anyone who knows you.

I can't believe it has only been 3 years with you, I feel like you've been with me almost my whole life.  This year brought all kinds of beautiful growth for you.  You now have very strong opinions about what you wear.  You will only wear et-it-go dwessess (let it go dresses)...this means they must have a spin factor for you to even consider them.  You are known for your squeaky shoes and we all know when you are near.  This summer Sullivan started school and it's been just us girls till school lets out.  You go to preschool 5 mornings a week.  I thought it would be sad to see you go every morning but when you excitedly run (squeak squeak squeak) with your little backpack in to play with your fwends, I just can't stop smiling.

One of my favorite things you say is " I'm not yedy" (I'm not ready).  

You love your babies and are a devoted little mama.  You've always got a babe on the breast. Speaking of, we nearly made it to 3 with our sweet nursing relationship.  You still ask to nurse every day but when I say my muyk muyks are broken you happily go on your way.

You potty trained for a brief summer and then on our road trip out west we got lazy...so you're still in diapers.  You recently left your crib for a big girl bed and you are so so proud.

Your smile.  Lucy Miller, your smile is pure magic.  It's not even just your smile but the smile in your sparkly squinted eyes that fills my heart right up like a cup that overflows.  Anyone who knew me in high school/college can tell you how strong my desire to have an asian baby was. You are pretty darn close:-)  In fact, when we were in Banff, Canada, you were constantly swarmed with asian tourist who wanted a picture of you and a picture with you!  It was the funniest thing!  

You are kind and sweet and at the appropriate times you are a force.  I will in one 5 minute period see you twirling sweetly and then suddenly you're playing war with your brothers.  Speaking of, you love them and talk about them constantly.    

You delight me.  You delight me.  You delight me.  I can't say this enough.  Every part of you just delights my soul.  Your life is a gift that gives and gives and gives.  I can't wait to grow old watching you blossom into the beautiful force you are.  

Happy 3rd Birthday my girl.  I can't believe I get to be your Mama.

amy | breathing me to life

It's no secret I struggle with seasons of deep and paralyzing depression.  Whether it's in my genes or caused by my sensitive soul, who knows.  There are seasons of life that feel like walking through mud to get through.  

I'm a lucky girl to be surrounded by amazing people that champion me on and who tell me "You're doing your best!  Don't be so hard on yourself!  Give yourself grace."

One evening I left my chaotic home to slip away to a girls night at a local restaurant and I showed up frumpy, hair unbrushed and thrown in a bun and an aching heart.  

That's when Amy saw me.  

Amy is a friend of friends that I knew casually and who happened to be sitting at the other end of the table on this particular night.  Somewhere at the end of the evening when many had trickled back to their homes, I just burst into tears and said, "I just suck at life."  Many hands touched my back and comforted me and told me "No you don't, Helen Joy.  We love you."  

But Amy looked at me and saw me and in a beautiful confidence she said, "I will help you."  

We decided to do a trade.  Pictures for coaching sessions.  

The first day she came we sat on cushions on my messy living room floor, we walked through the kitchen with left out peanut butter and jelly and crusts left over from the school morning rush. We sat on those cushions and I cried and Amy listened.  Then came her first,life giving breathe.  She said "I believe you can be better."  Said so lovingly and compassionately, not discounting the work ahead.  She did not clip my wings and say, "Be thankful!  You're doing the best you can!"    

She heard my longing and she gave weight to it.  

I told her the silly longings that seemed so out of reach and she didn't blink.  She said, "Why not?!"  She didn't flood me with cheesy quotes about motivation or steps to achieve my goals.  Every week she came to my messy home and sat with me and listened and she gently lifted me to the sky.

It started with little things like finding shoes the night before and packing lunches in the evening.  Things that come easily for most people but to me seem like mt everest.  She came over one day and stood in my laundry room with clothes up to our waists and we sweated and worked for hours and found a system that works well for ME.  

Little by little tiny bricks have fallen into place and I feel more and more comfortable in my own skin and in my own home.  It's like a ripple has started and I don't even know where it will reach.

This doesn't tie up in a bow.  I still struggle getting out of bed in the mornings, my laundry room is up to my knees because I've been editing this week but I am not paralyzed by it.  

Amy, these pictures show just a hint of your genuine warmth and the love you so beautifully give.  

Thank you for seeing me.  

To contact Amy, go to www.amybracken.life

laura and her boys | san clemente, california

Dear Laura,

Thank you for working till the wee morning hours to finish your paper the night before.  Thank you for packing up your boys for a 2 hour early morning drive.  Thank you for bringing them in their well loved shoes and their pants meant for playing in the dirt.  Thank you for taking the time to kneel down and look at their rolly pollys and their lady bugs.  Thank you for loving your oldest so tenderly and so vibrantly.  Thank you for seeing the beauty in weeds clutched in chubby hands and in dirty knees.  Thank you for the gift of your trust and your belief in my art.  Thank you for not giving up when things got tough and not only that, thank you for letting us all see you with your three strung behind you like beads, climbing the mountain, one step at a time.  Thank you for enveloping them in your arms so fiercely and so protectively.  You love them so well.  Thank you for inspiring my mama heart all the more.  

You are breathless to behold.