to lucy miller on her 5th birthday

My girl,

What a mighty little thing you are. Maybe it’s because I just wrote a book, but I’m finding that there are no words to describe you, or maybe they got used up. Everyone knows there’s something extra magical about you. People see it in you as you pass by them in the store; people see it when you’re coloring quietly alone. You exude a cloud of pure, feel good wonderfulness everywhere you go.

I love the way you dress. You have, as expected, shirked some of my more vintage, bluish dresses this year in favor of sparkles and cheap tulle. I mostly let you, begging and bribing for you to wear my dresses for special occasion. Nevertheless, you slay me when you come down the stairs ready to go, no matter what you wear.

You aren’t super “normal smart”, meaning you don’t quite know your abc’s and get mixed up on numbers. BUT you are really brilliant. You are ambidextrous and easily draw the same picture with both hands at the same time (see picture below). You also write your name upside down and backwards in the quirkiest way.

You go to preschool every day and you LOVE it. You have the sweetest teachers who adore you. I considered having you go only 3 days a week since you start Kindergarten this Summer and I will miss you, but you love it too much. You march to school every day like it’s a party. Every day we arrive you make me hide in the corner or you hide and we make up silly stories for the teachers. One day, matter of factly, you said, “My pawents are dead and I live in the fowest.” Ha!

I’m not one bit worried about you going to Kindergarten. That’s so nice.

Lucy, this sounds so weird but I rarely am sad about you growing up. You are like the most incredible blooming flower that gets more beautiful and more amazing as time goes on. I can almost see you as a grown woman in my head and she is just a masterpiece. I just feel like I’m breathlessly watching you every new day and so I don’t feel sad about what is left behind. Besides, I squeeze you and kiss your squishy cheeks a hundred times day. We lay in bed and watch movies before the boys get home. You really got into makeup this year and would do mine fabulously every day for a while there. We have such special times just us girls.

You are almost always one of the only girls in a group of boys and you don’t even blink. You love dirt and lizards and jumping and climbing and you do it all in a dress. This summer you started jumping off the diving board in the deep end. You just went for it!

Your strong personality has gotten quite strong the past six months and honestly I’ve tried to let many things slide (thanks for holding me to it Barclay). Honestly when you do something wrong or say something mean but look at me in the eyes…I barely can find words. We are working on it. I want you to be a strong woman and I don’t want to tame you, but I also want you to have friends and be a good human to be around.

You love Jesus and insist on praying painfully slowly before every meal. Your sweet little voice makes it such a delight, even if we are all hungry.

You love your daddy and insist on helping him loop his belt in the mornings. He reads to you every night and you both have memorized Go Dog Go.

You and I got to take two special solo trips to visit my sisters this past year (and one next week to see your new cousin in New Hampshire!). Traveling and flying with you is just pure fun. I love watching you interact with everyone around.

This summer we went to a wedding and you found yourself in the middle of the dance floor all night. That’s you my girl.

I love you, I love you, I love you!

I CAN believe you’re five today because I feel like we’ve been together all of our lives.

Mama

this strange space | costa rica

Coming down off of a year of intense change and hurt, our family took a trip to Costa Rica for 2 weeks, just us 5.  

We saw monkeys and hiked the base of a volcano.  We swam in the sea surrounded by rugged rocks and twisted tropical trees.  We have 500 pictures of it all, in little rows on our iphones.  

The few times I picked up my camera-sometimes hazy with the humidity-it wasn't to capture the beauty of the country or document us doing something exciting.  It was a breathless attempt to grab onto the quiet magic. 

We ended up renting an open air house in the jungle on the Oso Peninsula, where they don't have electricity and you have to drive through rivers. 

It was there that our family found such tender healing. It goes beyond words.  Hours would pass with no speaking, just the click click of tiny transformers and the breeze in the trees.  I had time to cook and wash dishes while my family played games, filling my heart up to bursting. We spent days covered in mud on the rugged beach, completely free to be ourselves as not a soul walked past.     

At night I lay in Noah's sweaty arms listening to the ocean and the gekkos chirping, in awe of the strangeness of this space.

I saw my children there.  Raw and open, not who I was fashioning them to be, but their exposed souls-terrifying and magestic. 

Here are some of my most treasured photos I've ever taken. 

I wonder if you can see it. 

I wonder if they arouse in you the same heart longing that they have me.  

to sullivan on his 7th birthday

my forever valentine,

Today you are 7.  7 years of being in the greatest kind of love and 7 years of being curious about you. 

You seem simple, but as the years go by I realize how I still don't even know a fraction of you.  You are deep and mysterious.  I'm pretty sure the girls in high school are going to go crazy for you.  Also...you eyes?  DREAMY.  

I will not lie, currently I'm on the brink of loosing it because I'm so tired.  You took 3 extra hours to go to sleep (which has become the norm) but last night you were up from 12:45 until 4 am jumping out of your skin with excitement.  I'm so nice to you for the first few hours and then I just want you to go the #$@% to sleep.  This area is challenging me so intensely.  It is challenging our whole family unit.  You end up in our bed 99 times out of 100.    

We can't quite figure out what is going on with you.  You blame all sorts of things but mostly I think you were deeply affected by me being so sick last year and having to leave for weeks at a time.  Truly the other children have sailed through relatively easily but you are sensitive and quiet and I think it hurt so bad.  

Last year I was in treatment in Tennessee and I cried all day long thinking about not being with you for your birthday.  They let me call you for a few minutes which broke my heart even more.  

I never want to miss a birthday again.  I never want to leave you again. 

I hope this year we can slowly and gently make you feel safe and secure. 

I feel like half of this last year you were one person and the other half you were another.  You've sadly grown out of bugs,  You now seem a little creeped out by them which blows my mind!  This spring and Summer you could find any bug any time and your hands were filled with them.  A girl at school told you that there were bugs in your food and that was the downhill fall of that.  You were so carefree and gentle and now I feel like you're guarded and hard.  Some of this was because of a bully at school.  Some of it is because of trauma of loosing me for nearly a year and some of it is being picked on (no matter how hard I try to protect you) by an older brother who loves you so much he can't even stand it...and he harasses you.  We are working on helping you stand up for yourself.  It's a lesson I'm learning too.  

Even though things have been hard with you, in the ideal circumstances I see that same gentle boy.  He's still there.  

I love you, and I can't help laughing at your quirks.  Getting dressed and fed in the morning is a HUGE struggle for you.  If pants feel bumpy we might be in for 40 minutes of what I call Floppy Sullivan.  This is where you flop on the floor like you have no bones and don't speak actual words.  This can also be because a cup is different or an orange had too many strings.  It's not every day by any means but when it happens it's quite something.

Ok enough about struggles...these are things I adore about you.

You care for me in a way that the others don't.  You notice when I'm feeling hurt or overwhelmed and you come and put your pudgy warm hand in mine and lean your head on my shoulder.

Your fire in the eyes excitement when you talk about animals and the facts about them.

You are a good friend.  You are trusting.  You've been trying to be friends with this one boy at school who didn't like you.  Recently you were so excited because he was your friend finally.  Turns out he wanted to sell you a cell phone for 2 dollars and you were all over it.  He still hasn't delivered but he sure has a lot of interesting stories about why he hasn't.  You really believe he will do the right thing. 

Everyone loves you.  Everyone.

You are really really good at art.  I'm in awe of what you create.

Your teacher recently me told me that you don't test well but that you are her smartest student.  You are a wiz a math and do everything in your head.

I love when you are in your zone.  This is either playing with fire (outside and safely), digging in the dirt or creating.  You can't even hear or talk when you are there.

You got a gekko for Christmas ( those things turn out to not be very easy to take care of).  You love him-Barclay is keeping him alive though since the crickets you have to feed him creep you out.

You are sandwiched in between two firecrackers and you love them both well.  I wish sometimes that you had a little more space to breathe and be.  We do what we can but in the end that's just how our family is.  

Your face is the cutest face in the history of the world.  I think you could ask me for the moon with those eyes turned up at me and I would find a way to make it happen.

You started playing tennis this past fall and I just assumed it was for fun and that you probably weren't going to be able to hit much.  I was wrong!  I always underestimate you!  I've really got to work on that.  You are a beautiful tennis player.

Sullivan, I actually don't feel like I know you as well as the others.  I'm not going to believe that you're just simple.  I really hope this next year we can get away together, just the 2 of us, so I can discover more about you.  I'm so sorry I haven't made more of an effort.

I love you.  You make me melt with love.  I say this every year but it is ALWAYS true.  You are balm on my heart.

Happy Birthday you beautiful boy.

Mama