laura and her boys | san clemente, california

Dear Laura,

Thank you for working till the wee morning hours to finish your paper the night before.  Thank you for packing up your boys for a 2 hour early morning drive.  Thank you for bringing them in their well loved shoes and their pants meant for playing in the dirt.  Thank you for taking the time to kneel down and look at their rolly pollys and their lady bugs.  Thank you for loving your oldest so tenderly and so vibrantly.  Thank you for seeing the beauty in weeds clutched in chubby hands and in dirty knees.  Thank you for the gift of your trust and your belief in my art.  Thank you for not giving up when things got tough and not only that, thank you for letting us all see you with your three strung behind you like beads, climbing the mountain, one step at a time.  Thank you for enveloping them in your arms so fiercely and so protectively.  You love them so well.  Thank you for inspiring my mama heart all the more.  

You are breathless to behold.

carrie's story | a beautiful birthday in the OR

A little over two years ago I was being wheeling into the OR with my third baby.  I was completely in shock that this 2 time vaginal birth mama and doula was not going to have the birth I had dreamed, planned and worked for.  Tears were flowing and I remember telling my doula, “At least I will be a better doula because of this”.  I knew that through the years I would have the honor of holding the hand of many women as they birthed their baby through their belly in an OR.  And it can be BEAUTIFUL, and it can take your breathe away.  And thankfully our local hospitals have heard our outcries that C section mama’s deserve a beautiful birth too, and so many have made steps towards a family centered c section.  This means mama’s can have skin to skin and breastfeed in OR.  This birth took place at Greenville Memorial Hospital in Greenville, SC.

I met Carrie and Chris late into their pregnancy.  They had just moved back to the area from CA and were trying to figure out birthing options.  They are both outdoorsy and laid back and they are both extremely athletic.  Carrie is a triathlete and she was active till the day she gave birth.  We met twice and I just knew that she was going to rock her labor and give birth naturally.  

I was so shocked when she called me after her 39 week appointment with news that her baby girl had turned and was breech.  I met them the next morning for an external version at the hospital and held her hand as she took it like a champ.  Baby was nice and comfy butt down so the decision was made to wait a week before proceeding with a c section.  Carrie did everything she could to turn that baby while still maintaining a very positive attitude about the possibility of baby not turning.  She was graceful in a way I surely feel I couldn’t be.  And all of a sudden, the day before the scheduled c section, the feeling in the air turned from that of hoping and trying to just plain joyful anticipation.  A baby was being born!  

I was so proud of Carrie and Chris for coming to their birth with joy instead of feeling like they had failed in some way.  We laughed and told stories and listened to Gregory Alan Isakov.  They texted back and forth clues for their secret baby name to their families.  Just as she was rolling off to the OR Carrie laughed because her sister guess the baby name at the very last second.  

I got to join Carrie in the OR as they prepped her.  It was a tiny space full of really laid back people who all had such beautiful attitudes.  Music drifted around and hands were squeezed.  And then before we knew it baby Dakota “Cody” was born with a long, loud cry!  The doctor even let me take pictures over the curtain! I loved seeing those little breech legs!  

Carrie was able to snuggle and nurse and comfort her daughter as soon as she checked out with the pediatric team.  The minutes that followed her birth seemed to be suspended in time.  It was incredible to watch Cody cry and then open her eyes to stare right at her mama and daddy.  I loved watching Chris stroke her little feet and support Carrie with a sweet pat on the head.  

We finished up the day with stories and laughter in their hospital room overlooking the beautiful mountains. It was a beautiful birthday and a birth story I will always treasure in my heart.  

a river retreat | austin texas

It was just about the point in winter when I couldn't remember if I was still alive.  Days bled together in a grey blanket over my spirit and I could barely remember what it was like to feel vibrant again.  It was during the worst of it that I boarded a plane to Austin, Texas to meet artists from around the country at my dear friend Michelle Gardella's River Reatreat.  

Maybe it's from growing up with 4 sisters and a single mother, or maybe it's just so incredibly primal...but women breathe life into me.

And so I arrived at that old barn, feeling weak and wounded and like the fire had gone out.

And one by one these women, these artists, these WORLD CHANGERS breathed new life into me.  

And so now, I am living with the breathe of 12 new sisters running through my lungs, and the feel of their hands pressed in my palms.

Our time together was gentle.  It fostered such respect and space for others that there was not a drop of competition.  And the primal community of womanhood was as it should be.  

I knit a scarf. I laid in the sand with my arms and legs sprawled out and contentment washing over my face.  I slept and wrote and swam in ice cold water.  I cried and laughed and felt cocooned by those around me.  I felt inspired and awed.  

I sensed ever layer of my tough bark stripped and me, bare and naked to the world, was embraced.  This is a gift that many don't ever feel in an entire lifetime.

I. am. so. grateful.

photo by thomas gardella