to lucy miller on her 4th birthday

my gift,

I know you have some incredible reasons for being born but one of them is for sure showing me up close and personal that God cares deeply for me.  You fulfill even the wildest of yearnings of my heart.  You are joy and sunshine.  Your sparkly dark eyes are full of adventure and brimming with courage.  

You still let me dress you up like my own personal baby doll.  Although I fear that soon you're going to have a lot more to say about things.

This year we took you to Costa Rica.  It was your second time going-first was in my 7 month pregnant belly.  While we were there you ran barefoot and naked feeding monkeys and digging in the sand.  A little brown beach baby.

Your words are changing.  It makes me sad!  I keep jotting down any word I remember to write down phonetically.  Some of my favorites are:

"I'm gonna win ya!" 

"Attending" (pretending)

"Not yeady"

You and your brothers.  I crack up so much that with these two crazy boys...you rule them.  One there was a lot of arguing in the back seat and the boys were fussing at each other.  You were in the middle of them and would randomly hit them in the face with the back of your hand and without even blinking.  You are TOUGH.  

The boys ADORE you.  They are competing constantly for "best bwudder".  Throughout the day this changes.  "Barclay you are being mean.  Sullivan is my best bwudder."  "Oh Sullivan I love this flower!  You're my best bwudder."  And then theres often when you declare your love for both at once and everyone melts.

When I drop you off at preschool (always a bit late since you are NOT a morning person), all your little friends are waiting at the door for you and a mass cheer happens when you walk up.  At least one pretend play idea is ready and waiting for you to step in as bride, queen, mother, etc.  You are beloved.

It is really special being your mama.  If I walk just 4 feet behind you it's like watching a rainbow part the dead sea.  Everyone that sees you smiles, maybe even giggles.  Hard hearts are melted, smile lines are wrinkled.  Once in Target you declared in the produce section that you were "DYING for a carrot."  Three women almost fell on the ground they were giggling so hard.  I took you to the nutcracker for Christmas and you wore the little tutu I got at a yard sale.  I felt like you were Shirley Temple walking through.  Everyone was in awe of your beauty and your bursting with life self.  

I look forward to another year of watching you unfold.  You are a rare and precious gift to this undeserving Mama.  

I love you so deeply my words couldn't even say it.

mama

caroline's story | the birth of eleanor jane

** Trigger Warning. 

This is a story of loss and contains pictures. **

Let me tell you a story.  A story about redemption and pain, sorrow and joy, death and life.  

A little over two years ago, I was sitting at my desk finishing up some editing around 11 pm.  My phone rang with a number I didn't recognize and I usually just ignore those calls.  That night I answered.  It was the mother of a girl I had never met, but who I knew through social media for years.  I almost photographed her wedding but I was late into a pregnancy.  I almost was her doula but I had already booked another birth.  Somehow we had never met, but yet we knew each other.  I automatically thought she was calling for some birth advice because I knew Caroline was to deliver any day.  Instead I heard the words "Emma didn't make it.  We don't know what happened.  Can you please come?"  So I drove in the wee morning, 3 hours to meet this soul sister and photograph her first born girl who never took a breath in this world.

I don't know how that night could be beautiful, but it was.  I walked into the room and it was dimly lit with candles.  Essential oils and soft praise music was filling the room and that beautiful new mama was snuggling her baby girl just like every mama does.  At the end of the pictures everyone in the room surrounded Emma and sang "It is well".  I will never forget the rawness of that moment as grandparents and friends and mama strained out those words with tears falling down their cheeks.  I will never forget.  

For the next 1 year and 11 months I watched Caroline mother with empty arms.  And oh what a mother she is!  

In July, I had the incredible honor of being present for Emma's sister's birth as a doula and photographer.  Not only was this a birth after loss, it was a VBAC. It was hard to think about the details of the birth because the ONLY goal was to have a healthy baby.  Induced early because the cause of Emma's death at 41 weeks 1 day was unknown, this birth story started with a lot of fear, labor triggered all of the trauma of Emma's death.   

It seemed like all the odds were stacked against Caroline having the natural birth she dreamed of with Emma, but every step of this birth story was held.  Held by a caring Father who knows the pain of loosing a child.  Throughout the day and night Caroline was a mighty force as she labored naturally.  Josh transformed before my eyes through the labor as he supported Caroline every. single. step.  Friends and family who had walked the road of trauma and loss waited and watched and carried them.  The birth room was a space of saftey and warmth. 

In the end, not only did Caroline deliver her healthy, crying, full of life baby girl but she had a beautiful, natural VBAC.

That night I watched sorrow mix with joy.  Sorrow because of all of the things they missed with Emma and joy because this precious child was safely in their arms.

It's not been easy, this life after death.  Sorrow is not wiped away forever and there will always be an aching for Emma.  But the miracle of birth and life is something to gasp about; to throw our hands in the air and dance about.  Welcome to the world Eleanor Jane!  I cannot wait to watch you grow.      

welcoming eller

When friends have babies, can anything be sweeter?

I just adore the gentleness and gratefulness this precious family exudes and it was an honor to photograph their second son and all the sweet moments of fresh newness.