to sullivan on his tenth birthday

Oh my boy,

10 years ago you came into this world and captured my heart. I’ve never known a love like yours. It’s as deep as the pools of your eyes and as hopeful as a bubbling spring. You are such balm to my heart.

This year you grew and grew and grew and grew. You are wearing size small mens clothing now. The funny thing is that you are still such an innocent boyish sort of boy inside of a small man’s body. You’re always creating and playing like a 10 year old should. Your creations are so magical and innovative. I’m very sure that you will be something creative when you are grown up.

This year you had a lot of orthodontics done to your mouth. So much metal. So much discomfort. But you had such a good attitude. As your jaw moved your face changed so drastically and much of your babyness just melted away. You also hit yourself in the mouth with a golf club and chipped your front tooth in half! I cried so hard. You’ve taken it in stride.

You are still our little animal lover. When it’s warm outside I can always find you with your hands in the water or dirt trying to catch little creatures. You are especially enamored with snakes and we always have a trap set in our driveway in hopes that one will crawl in. This year our neighbor is letting you help take care of her horse and you are able to ride him often. I’m so proud of how responsible you are becoming.

We homeschooled this year and you LOVE it. You are begging to do it again next year. I think that it doesn’t hurt that we learn a lot about animals. I’ve loved watching you grow in your love of learning.

This past year I had the goal to climb a mountain near my house 52 times. You were my biggest cheerleader and scaled it with me many times. You proudly tell people “My mama climbs mountains". It fills me right up.

You are the most tenderhearted of my children. You are a peacemaker. It’s not easy being in the middle but you hold the role well.

You play guitar and crack me up because you’re wanting to learn the most random songs (like Shakira’s Hips Don’t Lie). I love finding you bent over the guitar practicing.

Sullivan, I have failed you many, many times this past year and you are always there to give me forgiveness even when I don’t deserve it. Your heart is so very pure.

You are light and we need you, dear one. You are important and treasured by all who know you. When I look into your sparkling eyes I see kindness that gives to everyone it knows. We are all lucky to love you.

Stay boyish in wonder my son,

Your Mama

the martinez family | el mirage lake, ca

I came at the worst time. Or so I thought.

Right before a move into her parent’s house, their dream home and land in escrow. The limbo was palatable, the future unclear.

Mama had a 12 week baby in her belly, a miracle after a tubal reversal just months before. She was green in the mornings and tired in the evenings.

But there was magic there in their temporary home. There was laughter and good food and tenderness. There was dancing till you’re exhausted on the floor and listening to your baby’s heartbeat on the couch.

I stayed with this family for 3 days and was a fly on the wall to so many holy moments. Papa towered over me and yet I found him too many times to count kneeling in front of his children. Mama could be found in the mornings tangled in the limbs of her babies. So. Much. Love.

One of the days I was there, we drove out to the lake bed at El Mirage, and in the most sherbert-y lighting and they did what they love till the sun set over the mountains.

These photos, they remind me that home is your people and not a place, and that things don’t have to be perfect to be worth documenting.

Enjoy a little peek into the life of the Martinez family of six.

to barclay on his 12th birthday

Oh my precious boy,

I’m afraid that this might be a bit sappy for your liking. Maybe when you’re old enough to want to read these it wont bother you.

I’m a weepy mess thinking about the woman I was when I delivered you so tiny and fresh 12 years ago. I wish I could go back to her and tell her what is not important and what is. I wish I could tell her to screw everyone else and just trust her heart. I wish I could tell her to cuddle you more and let the world fall apart.

Our journey together, my journey with my first born child, has been riddled with mistakes. You have been gracious to me no matter how much I have to repent for my anger. We have had to figure things out and it has been nothing but a jaunty dance. But we are doing it. We are figuring things out and I can’t help but think that all our hard work is going to pay off on a sweet couple of years before you leave the house.

First borns have a hard job but they also are the first to bring about the new phases. I thought long ago that I would hate new phases and leaving behind the babyhood, toddlerhood, or youth. But my goodness do I love each new phase with you. It’s like I am discovering a new layer of you every few weeks.

Barclay. You are the most beautiful creation. The most magnificent.

As an allergy ridden child with severe undiagnosed ADHD and a stomach that was always in horrible discomfort, I honestly thought that you might never not struggle. I could NEVER have imagined in my wildest dreams what a caring, mature, helpful, hilarious, fun, well liked, cool without trying to be, young man you would be. But here you are.

This year we found a medication that took you from striving to thriving. It did get rough there for a few months and I knew you were trying your best but man, medication has been such a game changer for all of us. I wish a thousand times over I didn’t wait so long for the relief it brings.

Also last month we tested dairy and found you didn’t have much reaction to it so we are all enjoying the freedom that brings. You had your first milkshake ever and it was a success! You still have to be gluten free but you have the best attitude about it.

This year you grew both physically and emotionally by leaps and bounds. You are the most responsible 12 year old I know. You’ve started taking care of the neighbor’s horse twice a day (and helping your siblings do it too). You got your first job helping a friend in her garden and you have saved all your money. I depend on you for a lot and you almost always come through. You are very tough and do a lot of wood chopping, fire building, engine tinkering, tool building. I’m just so proud of you. I tell anyone who will listen about how freaking dependable you are. I hope you know you’re so much more than just this though.

On a normal day one can find you draped over Grover and reading a book, biking, exploring, spending time with your daddy, baking, playing video games with Sullivan, and even dancing with Lucy Miller.

This year we found ourselves homeschooling after a disastrous try at virtual learning in the spring. I have loved it. You miss your friends, but have had an incredible attitude about learning. We’ve learning the most interesting things and you are there with rapt attention. I think we will look back fondly on this year.

My precious son, you make me excited for the years to come, not dreading them. I can see what a great man you will be, but for now you’re just the greatest boy. You get get more glorious by the minute. I love you so deeply, so widely, so endlessly. I will love you no matter what comes.

Your mama