to lucy miller on her 8th birthday

My darling baby girl,

Oh how my heart aches thinking about the past year. It was yet another hard year in your short life. I was severely depressed for half of it and only had you 50% of the time for the other half. Part of me wants to stay in this grief, and yet I can’t. There were too many beautiful moments to just write things off as a crap year.

You my darling are a light. You bring joy to everyone who knows you. When I drop you off at school you methodically go around hugging every single teacher on your way in. It’s just how you are.

I homeschooled you the first half of the year and we had a blast (although looking back maybe studying the Titanic and Shackleton’s expedition in depth was a bit heavy for a first grader). We did have a really hard time with reading. No matter what I tried you struggled so much. Turns out you are most likely dyslexic or on the spectrum of dyslexia. Because of this we decided to hold you back a year and you repeated first grade. You didn’t let it get you down and walked into school this year with confidence and such a good attitude. You have tons of friends (and boyfriends). Your teacher told me in all her years of teaching she’s never had a harder worker than you. She also said when she feels stressed she usually feels your little fingers on her back. You sense when she needs a little massage. This is so dear! To help with reading you started working with Miss Marla and ya’ll are two peas in a pod! You adore her and she adores you and every time I pick you up, you’re having the best time. Because of Miss Marla you are starting to be able to read words more and more. I’m so proud of you never giving up.

Some of my favorite memories with you this year are (in no particular order):

Playing on the beach by moonlight.

Flying to Colorado to help Aunt Georgia with her two babies. You were a very serious and tender little mama.

Becoming roommates this summer. We snuggle and giggle before bed and it is THE BEST.

Watching you dance everywhere. In nature, in my kitchen, in your recital. You were for sure the most graceful and technical dancer in your group. I wept watching you.

Riding 17 miles of the Virginia Creeper Trail together. It was so hard for your little legs but you did it.

Dancing at Merlefest with you in our twirly skirts.

A dozen dips in the river.

Watching the stars come out one night on the parkway-all snuggled in a blanket.

Your heart is so beautiful, Lucy Miller. You are so caring for those around you who are not always included. You love babies and love stories and you have a fire inside of you that will never die. I swear I can barely stand it sometimes, I can’t believe you are my baby.

You are one tough cookie and deal with (sigh-BROTHERS) on the daily. I am praying that they are kinder to you this year and if not I’ll continue taking away all their privileges.

You recently lost your two front teeth and the cuteness level is OUT OF CONTROL.

I’m fighting the guilt I feel for not being able to stay in the home I thought you would grow up in full time. Your daddy loves you very much, but I could never forgive myself for showing you that it is ok to die inside, to accept lies, to be put down and abandoned by your partner. I want so much more for you. I want you to search and find someone that treasures you, chooses you, pursues you, cares for you even in your hardest times.

Also, I am 100% sure that you prefer me like this, alive and present 50% of the time vs dead to the world 100% of the time.

I hope one day you’ll understand the love that brought me here.

In July I combined all your birthday letters into a file so that you could have them after I died. The years stretching ahead of me seemed impossible and I never once thought I would make it to writing your 8th birthday letter. Here I am, and oh how my heart is filled with the hope that I will write many, many more.

You are a gift my girl. I love you endlessly.

Mama

welcoming aela | a birth story

A year ago today pure sunshine came into the world.

Her name is Aela.

This is her birth story.

On a windy fall evening, I got the call that labor had started. The plan was for me to go to Ali and Starke’s home so that we could all hang out there for a while before heading to the WNC birth center. By the time I pulled up and walked to their front door I saw them laboring through the window…heard her laboring and I knew that maybe I shouldn’t get settled quite yet. Labor was fast and strong and within minutes they had made the decision to go in. We got Ali into the car after quite a few pit stops and I followed them down their mountain and to the birth center.

Immediately we got into a groove as Ali bravely worked through her contractions. Starke was there the whole time, holding her and speaking the most tender words in her ear. Before we knew it the tub was filled and it was time for pushing. The whole room was so tranquil, lit with fairy lights and smelling like lavender and lemon. Very gently Ali pushed her girl into her daddy’s open hands. I will never forget laughing in disbelief that in just a few short hours this baby was earthside!

Following the birth, were some scary minutes that seemed like hours where baby had to be deep suctioned since she came so fast her lungs didn’t get squeezed and Ali’s uterus wasn’t quite catching up to the fact that it was done housing a baby. I saw Ali dig so deep as they worked her uterus and tended her brand new baby. It was a rough road to take when it seemed for a minute that the work had been finished. Melissa and the WNC birth center were incredible, like always. Calm, efficient, and knowledgable. At last I left them snuggled together in the bed, the sweetest little family filled with the most gratitude.

A week later I got to visit them at their home, watched them swing through the same window I had witnessed them laboring, photographed them as they buried their placenta under their wedding tree.

I say it often but I don’t say it enough…this job is the most soul filling. I’m the luckiest.

So happy to have gained some new friends, and for the honor of witnessing the birth of the most lovely little human that the world desperately needed.

rachel + joe | max patch elopement

This July I had the deep honor of attending a several day long birth as a doula/birth photographer. I always fall in love with the family I’m supporting as I watch their connection deepen throughout the process of bringing life into the world. Those days are bleary with lack of sleep but what isn’t bleary is their deep love for each other. The experience was extremely raw and too many times to count I saw Rachel dig from just a little bit deeper inside of herself to go on. I was in awe of her strength and her perseverance and I was in awe at the tenderness and presence that Joe brought to the birth room. When Riley Willow finally joined them earthside, she was greeted with such peace and love. I cry just thinking about leaving that room with the three of them huddled together.

This past Sunday I got a text from Rachel that they had a wild idea that day and wondered if I would be available to photograph their elopement on Friday. I had an overdue mama waiting for delivery but said I would make it work with a back up photographer for them just in case. I knew that the chances I would miss it were pretty big but I still hoped that the stars would align so that I could be there for that second important day in their lives.

The birth stretched over days and as that poor mama dug deep inside of herself just like I had seen Rachel do months before, I let go of the hope of attending the wedding. In a turn of events the baby was born in time for me to jump in my car and make the drive to Max Patch. I quickly did a quick dry shampoo, changed into my warmest clothes and switched my memory card. As I waited for Rachel and Joe to come (the traffic was horrendous), a thick fog rolled in and I knew we wouldn’t be able to see the mountains. The light was fading and I didn’t know how things were going to work out. An hour after we were supposed to start, they pulled up and you could hear Riley wailing in the car. They hopped out and quickly pulled together their outfits and we started the hike to the top.

Here’s the thing about Rachel and Joe…they have adventure pumping through their veins. It is a big part of what drew them together. So this unfolding of their wedding made total sense. As the fog thickened, Rachel climbed barefoot, carrying her hiking boots. Riley calmed quickly as the fresh air hit her lungs. The light was quickly fading and I suggested we do the ceremony right there in the pathway to the top, but hikers kept rolling on by us and it didn’t feel private. All of a sudden Rachel veered off the pathway, down a steep ledge and into the woods that were vibrant with fall colors. Very quickly it was decided that it was the perfect place. I strapped Riley to me in a carrier and the ceremony started.

Let me take a minute to gush about Gina ( www.allthethingsceremonies.com ). Gina rolled with it, laughing and bringing the most beautiful energy into the mix. Things were just a bit on the chaotic side as they stood there ready to become husband and wife, but Gina was so steady and calm. She had them hold hands and breathe together and suddenly it became such a sacred space.

I swayed back and forth, shushing the baby and snapping pictures of the most beautiful ceremony I’ve ever been witness to. My eyes filled with tears as they said their vows and clutched each other under the big tree. Here’s the thing, as new parents, they have seen the sleep deprived, the raw, the unglamorous…and still…in that moment they chose each other. They chose each other.

They were pronounced husband and wife by then Riley was impatiently waiting for her supper. The fog hugged them tight as they collapsed into that familiar threesome in the crunchy orange leaves.

The walk back down was so magical. The fog and wind whipped around us and we all giggled at what an adventure it all was. I signed their marriage license as their witness, we feasted on the birth snacks I had left in my doula bag, and they called each other husband and wife. It felt so natural, like a great unfolding of the most beautiful story.

Thank you Rachel and Joe for the honor of being witness to two beautiful journeys this year, I feel so happy that you have each other and even happier that from your love came this beautiful baby girl.

Bouquet by the lovely Fern and Flora

Officiant, the vivacious and life giving All The Things Ceremonies

Blurry iphone pictures by yours truly.