to lucy miller on her 9th birthday

Darling girl of my heart,

Today you are nine years old.  Nine years of the most incredible love.  You are such a gift to everyone that knows you, you are such a gift to me.

This year I watched you swing back and forth between pure joy and I also held you while you sobbed many, many times.  Like me, you embrace holding all the feelings as they come.  Watching you has honestly healed a part of me that feels like I might be broken.  Because when I see it in you, I see it as a superpower, I see it as breathtaking, and I would never want to change that part of who you are.

Last year we spent your birthday having tea with 4 generations (my mom and my grandmother joined us).  It was truly such a vibrant memory for all of us.  Grandmama slipped into glory just a few weeks later.  I’m so glad you knew her. You talk about her a lot and tear up a little. You’ve so tenderly loved on Grandpapa in her absence. At school you made a very special Thanksgiving paper that they said to give to someone special. You held it tightly away from me until you could give it to him. I saw it sitting on his bedside table the other day.  

I think one of the greatest things this past year was that after a lot of work, a lot of specialty tutoring with Miss Marla, a lot of persevering…you finally learned to read and there is no stopping you now.  You read every day for as long as I will leave the light on.  

Even though you have your own room in our new house, more often than not we fall asleep all cuddled up chatting about life. It is like a sleepover every time.

You are so darling.  Your sweet heart believes so much in love, in romance.

You are so freaking hilarious and impish in the greatest of ways.

This year it broke my heart a little when you have resisted wearing most of your dresses. You have now declared you aren’t a fan of pink anymore, and unicorns are not at the top. I knew you’d go through a stage like this but I must admit I miss dressing you like my own doll baby. The only piece of clothing that lit you up this year was buying a jean jacket. You are adorable in it.

You moved to your 4th school since Kindergarten this year.  Even though you tried to have a good attitude your heart broke as you tried to find your way in a tight knit class for a few weeks.  Apparently the kids just couldn’t quite hang with your very imaginative, very specific make believe games you dreamed up and wanted to play...your way. You’ve since found your way and love your new school and your sweet friends.

You did dance for half the year and performed a solo at the recital with such grace and musicality I was in tears.

Your most recent love is SIGN LANGUAGE. A sweet woman came to your class and taught you Frosty the Snowman and you have not been able to stop talking about it. You started lessons this week and it is amazing how it clicks so well in your brain. I’m so excited to see you learn and learn along with you!

This summer I had to tell you about how babies were made because you were so worried you’d get pregnant somehow (hazards of my doula job). Your response was so matter of fact and not in the least bit traumatized. And you’re very relieved to not have to worry anymore! Despite not wanting to be pregnant you talk often about having a big or little sister (the horror of having another brother is staggering…ha!). One day you just casually asked if we could go pick a baby sister out at the adoption place. You aren’t getting a sister any time soon but you are getting a new baby cousin in a few weeks and you are the most excited one out of the whole family. I think you might be more excited than Aunt Bet Bet.

My hope for you this next year is that I can gently model and help you with some emotional regulation. I want you to feel it all but I don’t want it to drown you.

We took our 10th year of pictures in the Queen Anne’s Lace. It’s such a special tradition, and such a celebration of our love. We also got to rock out to Lindsey Sterling on the most epic Saturday night and go to the Nutcracker Ballet in Charlotte with Rebekah and Hadley.

You are the most encouraging daughter. You are so proud of me. You tell me all the time how strong I am, how beautiful I am. You love watching my dance videos. You gasp at my dresses sometimes and when I get discouraged with mothering you always slip under my arm and hug me, whispering that you love me.

So many of my decisions are made with you in mind: not abandoning myself, not dulling my shine, not emptying out to please other people. I dream of a life of confidence, love, abundance, and depth in your life. I hope I can save you a bit of heartache by showing you ways to care for yourself.

I wish I got to spend every single day with you. If I think about only having you half time my heart hurts so badly. BUT we sure make up for it when we see each other.

Being your mama is such fun.  It is such a delight.

You are sunshine my girl and this world needs your light. 

I’m so proud of you sweet girl,

Mama