to sullivan on his 13th birthday

Dear giant, taller than me, grown man valentine child,

You tower over me now. I cannot believe 13 years ago you were so tiny and new and now when you hug me you have to hunch over. In the past 3 months you have grown SO tall, your voice is SO deep, and you just aren’t a little boy anymore! Sometimes I have to remember you’re not a grown adult! Ha!

Well we’ve has a lot of quality time this year…in the ER. In the past few months you have slipped and fallen on a mason jar and cut the side of your butt so deep that you had to get stitches…this happened when I wasn’t home-your brother saved the day with a belt to stop the bleeding. It was not fun. Then a few weeks ago you were playing football at school at lunch and someone tackled you and you broke your pelvis! But the crazy thing is you walked around on it for a few hours and by the time you got home it was hurting pretty bad. After a chiro visit we thought it was sciatica and so I was forcing you to stretch it for 4 days! You got really, really bad and I’ve never seen a human not about to give birth in so much pain. Broke my heart! You’re tough and quiet.

Speaking of quiet, the other day I just said to you in the kitchen

“Sully, you’re gonna have to be a squeaky wheel sometimes!”

You literally are the opposite of the other two. Quiet, a bit more chill, and kind of an inward processor. I don’t want you to get so middle childed here but I think it’s happening by default.

I adore you the way you are. I love how quiet you are but then you pop up with these insanely hilarious one liners. You still love and find animals everywhere you go, especially (to my horror) snakes. You are so into fishing right now and go every chance you get.

It kind of bothers me that authority figures often talk to me about you having the potential to be a leader. I don’t think the world should be made up of all leaders, we wise followers and that is my prayer for you. That you will follow the right people or follow your own self.

Right now you are at the most awkward and hilarious stage. Like 3 months ago I had to force you to shower and now you fix your hair and shop for cologne. Lucy got you old lady curlers as a joke for Christmas and you wore them for real. Cracked me up. You also seem to be trying on all kinds of personas, just finding your way like we all do. I hope that over this next year you find you don’t have to become anything, that you are your own kind of magic we all need.

Your dad took you to Hawaii this December and it you haven’t been the same since. It was paradise for you. You even did a very, very intense 9 mile hike.

You played football and ended up playing quarterback about half the time. You were SO SO good at it. You’re just so un-assuming I think it shocked people. You were steady and didn’t rush and threw some amazing touch downs.

Finding photos felt sooooo painful (like growing pains painful). Here’s something I noticed. That photos after Jimmy came…your little spark came back. Actually, to be honest…I almost broke up with him after our 2nd date and he mentioned how much he loved hunting for salamanders at the river and he had that same twinkle you used to get. I suddenly starting thinking…wait a minute, this guy could be more than just for me. The day I introduced you all we went to the river and both of you were gone in your own little worlds. I have seen that spark come back more and more and more ever since.

This past weekend you had a man date and found the perfect cologne for the school dance next weekend.

I love you so very much. I am pretty positive you’re gonna live your life on the beach somewhere fishing and enjoying the slow life. You joke you’re gonna find a wife who makes a good living so you can just fish.

I’m so glad you’re here, you’re a breath of fresh air to this family of deep feelers and fast movers.

Love Mama

to barclay on his 15th birthday

Barclay,

This will be the year that I will remember as the year you were always flexing. Ha! You have grown so much and gotten so strong and you’ve also become self aware in a way that’s normal but kind of funny.

You wrapped up middle school this May at a small school where I felt you were in a groove that you couldn’t get out of. High school has been wonderful as you find who you are.

You have always excelled at sports but being at a bigger school pushed you in such a good way. This fall you played soccer (goalie) and were the VARSITY football kicker. The first time I heard them say your name over the loud speaker I wept with joy. It’s really something to see your child do something they love and get better at it. I would make you blush as I screamed often “I made him!” ha! You really, really worked hard and it paid off. Even though I almost lost it going to so many games a week, it thrilled me to watch you play. Just as much as I loved watching you kick a field goal, I loved watching you put your arm around the coach’s son who took a liking to you and looked up to you. You also started going to the gym with me to lift and have taken off way past me-working out with guys twice your age in the early mornings. Goodness you are strong-mentally and physically.

This past year has been a little achey as friends have come and gone and you’ve tried to find your place. You are well liked but I know you want deep friendships. It’s been really, really hard to navigate a phone. As much as you want in real life interactions I’ve realized my restrictions regarding phone usage have left you a little in the dark. I hate it. We are figuring it out. I am so glad I waited so long for you to have a phone. You can have full conversations with adults and have pretty good boundaries as far as being present.

Your first girlfriend relationship ended this summer. It really crushed you even though I think you knew it was time. When you told me your eyes were welled with tears as you denied it hurting. You were a great boyfriend. You were so thoughtful, tender, attentive, and you were even in tune with her cycle and would walk to the Dollar General to buy chocolate with your own money when you knew it was her time.

This year Jimmy came into our lives and I love seeing ya’ll together. You have the same sense of humor and the same tender heart. It’s been interesting and wonderful to see you not have to be “the man of the house”, and also at times a little wobbly. I’m so very glad that you have his daily example. I’m so glad you get a front row seat to the work we put into our relationship, the romance, the tiny things that make a good life.

I’m trying to balance your obsession with lifting and sports with exposure to yoga. You’ve started going to yoga at my studio on Wednesdays and you chatting with the older ladies melts me. Your willingness to go and be the only guy sometimes speaks a lot to your inner confidence.

It has been kind of a hard year financially for me as I have taken some big risks in my businesses. You are the most grateful person and always aware of my desire to get you what you might want but also so forgiving of my limitations. I’ll never forget going to the Nike outlet before high school started. Money was so tight and I knew that you wanted the yellow back pack, it made your eyes light up. But you told me a dozen times you were fine with the simple black one that was half the price and I knew you meant it. I’m bad at math but figured it all up and made it happen (with 56 cents to spare). Your delight and surprise and gratitude that day…I’ll never forget it. You were so kind to me when I found out the FIFA game I got for the used xbox I traded someone for was NINE seasons behind the most current one. In fact, you really leaned into the word retro for that. Thanks haha. For your birthday I got you $40 to dollar general for snacks and you were wild with happiness. You’re so easy to please.

I’m so proud of you. I’m proud of the man you are becoming, the way you are navigating hard things, the way you push yourself, the way you open yourself up to new things. You have a beautiful heart, even if you do pretend to have a tough exterior. You don’t fool me.

Parenting you is simultaneously healing part of my wounds and bringing waves of grief. I truly love that you know I love you even as you make mistakes. I watch in awe as you learn and shift and grow, knowing that when you go into the world you’ll be whole. I have said it so much but I will say it again…you do not ever make me feel like I have to be a perfect mom, and I really am thankful for that.

I love you and that impish grin of yours. I really, truly love spending time with you. You are SO much fun. Excited to see you grow and become. We’ve got this.

Mama

to Lucy Miller on her 10th birthday

Lucy girl,

I started this letter like I usually do, on the night before your tenth birthday.  I’ve never missed that ritual in your entire life.  But that night I was woken up right before midnight with some hard news from a friend and I didn’t sleep a wink and I never finished it.  As I’ve come many times to finish this letter, I’ve been struck with the grief of this season of girlhood.  You are literally in between it all and it’s so special and it’s also so sad.  I know the future holds a lot of lessons for you and I just want to keep you little a little while longer.  You still play with dolls sometimes and this Christmas had a renewed belief in Santa Clause, but womanhood is just above the horizon.  You’ll probably start your cycle in the next year or two, you’ve become self aware in a way that we all do at that age, you have struggled with girls at school this past year and have wept in my arms about it.  Here’s the thing dear girl, just because this age often brings waves of pain and growth doesn’t mean it has to be that way for you.  You have a fiery little flame and have learned many life skills already.  I’m just holding my breath as you unfurl and so happy to be your mama and witness.

No one in the world has ever been more excited about turning 10 than you.  If I could bottle that sparkle in your eyes that happened when you have talked about it for the past year, it would be the purest form of wonder.  I love your pure little romantic heart so much.

The day you turned 10 I promised you that you could get your ears pierced.  We have planned and talked about it a thousand times and today was the day.  You were bouncing with anticipation and your older cousin Rainy has been waiting years so you could do it together…and then when it came your turn I could see absolute panic on your face…and 2 hours later (and a brief chocolate lounge break) we all gave up and went home.  I guess we will try again in a few months.  It kind of broke me open to see that look on your face and to not be able to do anything to make you realize that you are so brave and that doing hard things is a skill that you need to develop.  You were so gutted that you didn’t do it.  Your beautiful cheeks were wet the whole ride home and in the photos of you blowing out your candles. 

This year you did do the mile run and didn’t come in last.  You came in last at the beginning of the year and it haunted you.  For a month you were sick just thinking about the mile run coming up.  You threw up, you refused to get dressed, you sobbed in my arms…and I just kept nudging you on.  And you did it and did it 2 minutes faster than last time.  You called from Dad’s house that afternoon and the pride in your voice made me jump up and down with happiness. 

This doing hard things thing is relatively new to me-it’s a skill that I was late in developing.  So girl you are way ahead of the game.  You’re gonna be unstoppable.

Long gone are the cute outfits, the darling pigtails, or the famous squeaky shoes that drew attention from a mile wide…and still people are drawn to you like moths to a flame…because it’s the light inside of you that is mesmerizing and I love that you don’t need any outside affirmation to keep it going.

This year you dove into sign language and it is totally your thing.  You have the sweetest teacher and have found something that comes so naturally to you to grow in.  I’m excited to see where it takes you!  I have a dear friend who is going deaf and doesn’t know any sign so you made her video teaching her how to spell her name and how to say bull shit…which I think you sensed might come in handy in her situation.  

You got a new baby cousin this year…baby Piper…and seeing you with her has melted me into a puddle.  You’re gonna be one hell of a babysitter! 

Big changes happened this year when Jimmy came into our lives.  At first you loved him, but quickly realized he was here to stay and sort of pulled back quite a bit.  It took a bit of testing for you to realize that me loving him and him loving me didn’t take away from our love.  And now you are the biggest Jimmy and mama fan.  I find drawings with pictures and words with a million combinations of love and Mama and Jimmy.  I see you grinning when he hugs me in the kitchen or slow dances with me.  The other day Jimmy and I were working through some hard things and he was holding me and telling me that he was staying and loved me.  I saw you watching it all happen and noticed such a steadiness to you after you witnessed that. The fact that you will know what love should look like, that it’s not perfect all the time but it can also be completely magical…that makes me so happy.  

Jimmy and I joke about month anniversaries and you found out once that it was our six month dating anniversary 6 months ago and you made me take you to the grocery store to buy an anniversary card for me where you wrote me that you were so happy for me.   

You love him.  You put notes in his lunch all the time, you snuggle him goodnight, you call to tell him about your day.  One of my favorite memories was you woke up hours before the boys on Christmas Eve (when you celebrate Christmas with me) and you snuggled between us and just chattered away for HOURS.  

Not going to lie, living with two older brothers is brutal sometimes.  You often sigh and say “brothers” like your lot in life is a heavy cross to bear.  They are slowly starting to protect you more than tease you. Barclay took you to a high school basketball game recently and you ended up performing on the court with the varsity cheerleaders!  You were so high in the clouds about that. 

You have a sweet therapist who adores you and has helped you work through quite a bit of anxiety.  

One of the highlights of your year was going to the nutcracker with Hadley.  Ya’ll were legit tweens with so much sass and unwavering opinions.  Aunt Reba and I just couldn’t stop giggling.

We had a little 3 friends over birthday party for you and ya’ll were delighted with the solo cup shot glasses of lemonade and the mattress you jumped on in the yard.  You told me it was the best party ever!   

Lucy Miller, I love being your mama.  I love watching you become.  I am cheering you on dear girl.  You’re doing awesome!  Keep that shining crown.

All my love, Mama